eager to please

So, the GM gets a call from a couple who wants to come in for dinner, but the man doesn't eat Italian food (he is going to get a filet). I suggested rice (actually vigorously stirred risotto) or vegetables. The guys wants a fucking baked potato. Now, i love baked potatoes with a passion, but give me a break. I occasionally keep potatoes on hand for mashed potatoes in the cooler months and even that is touchy subject. How many Italian restaurants even have potatoes on their menu? Of course, our local overpriced Italian grocery (the owner's wife was the leader of last Friday's 10:00 3-courser) doesn't have potatoes so the GM got this 2# bag of crinkle cut FFs. I hope i can talk him into demi-glace instead of ketchup. Wtf is this silly business coming to?

sent from one convoluted f'ing kitchen
www.kitchenconvoluted.blogspot.com

volume

   I was just rereading CanIGetaWhatWhat's quotes from graduation weekend and it made me ponder fondly about volume.  Twenty-eight tenderloins on the board?  I am currently selling more steaks than ever, roughly 10% of my sales, and I might sell 28 a week max.  Part of me misses that kind of volume and the ordering/staffing/menuing freedoms that come with it, but getting your ass kicked day in and day out takes a toll.  I want to hear about your volume and what it means to you; whether it be 4:00 checklists, getting four prime vendor deliveries a week,a third dishwasher or whatever.  This was also sparked by hearing that a certainly awesome local place does 1500-2000 covers a night.  How do you prep for that?  I can't even fathom the planning or what it takes to pull it off, especially at the level at which I'm sure they do.  I guess this business is just starting to eat away at my brain faster than this damn olive juice.

Produce this

Our produce normally is delivered between 830-10. So at 1230 someone called and they said they were less then 25 minutes away. I called at 2pm and they said less then 30 minutes. At 230 my boss called them from his car and they said it would be there very soon, he had no idea it had not arrived. At 5 we called again and they had left for the weekend.

Don't lie to me, just tell me you aren't coming so I can plan accordingly.

hotter than a beeyotch

i don't know how i do it.  i don't know how we do it, day in and day out (or at least every summer).  it's hot in the kitchen.  goddamn hot.  sometimes it's hot, sometimes it's really hot.  last night the thermometers on line were all reading between 104 and 110.  i kept grabbing salad plates and thinking they were right out of the dishwasher but they were just hot from sitting there, five feet away from the pizza oven.  and it was muggy in there too, and smoky for the first part of the day cause we were smoking pork loins for our special (the smoker is right outside the back door).  anyway, it was f**king hot.  so we did the old wet towel in the freezer bit.  anybody else ever do that?  a few clean, wet towels go into the freezer, then wrapped around our necks.  it's something i've seen variations on in every kitchen i've ever worked.  also, it's not at all uncommon to see cases of otter pops in the freezer.  anyway, does anybody have any kickass staying cool tips for me, or is my kitchen the only one that's routinely 100+ degrees on the line?

Crazy Ex-Employer

Tonight one of my ex-bosses is coming in for dinner. She is an irrational, spiteful, miserable cunt. I still remember the day she said " I HATE YOU.." Really? why? Because I call you out on your bullshit?. 2+2=4 bitch, not 3. Her bar is the only one I have been thrown out of sober and the only former employer I do not speak with. She is also the only woman on Facebook to block me that I did not sleep with.

She will be in with a few other former co-workers and they are sitting in the kitchen. I have spoken with the girl who booked the party and she told me she would get her liquored up beforehand. I am not sure that will stop her from saying something mean and nasty it might just make the crazy come out sooner. I spoke with the owner of my restaurant and told her my concerns. She will be hanging out tonight and hopefully keeping the peace. I can see her saying she hates each course and making a scene.

This scenario is making me nauseous. Wish me luck.

an open letter to my 10:00 three-top

You can call me soft or old or what have you, but my late night dining days are over and I turn into a bitch @ ten o'clock. My kitchen closes then for a reason and that is a big part of why I do what I do where I do. We are not a bank where getting in before the door is locked gives you carte blanche. Of course we have the occasional asshole (more often than not one of "really good" customers) that comes in @ 9:55 or dilly dallies until then to prove that the customer is really the boss and I accept that. However, strolling in @ 9:50 and ordering three courses @ 9:59:40 makes you a world class DB and I know you know better. If you don't, then you are an even sorrier excuse for a person. Now, I don't have to leave @ 10:00 or even before 11:00 if circumstances or volume dictate, but I'm not going stand around while you nibble like you are in the Big City. Don't get me wrong: if I owned the joint, we'd be open until 1:00, seven days a week. I wouldn't be there, of course, but that is a moot point anyway. In short, I understand that you can't stand being home with your own family and you can sit and drink until the FOH kicks you out (between 11:00 and 1:00 depending on how "good" a customer you really are), but, as far as keeping me from my family, you can kiss my ass. I hope you enjoyed your meal.
Chefs, I would love your thoughts on this issue since I know it is a sore spot for anyone in a kitchen. In light of a down economy and sinking sales figures, I should be happy to have any customers I can get, right?

sent from my mobile martini shaker

Top Chef

I am watching reruns of last season. I am hoping Kevin wins this time.

a question of viability

So I did a lot of thinking during my vacation, but very little of it involved the restaurant. I didn't come up with any new recipes, marketing strategies or ways to combat the dirtbag servers. Instead, I focused on enjoying the rest and relaxation and the two amazing ladies in my life. The problem is that the restaurant just isn't in a position to be fixed. Nothing I can do is going to take it to the next level and, quite honestly, it doesn't deserve it. When the GM spends 90% of a 35-hour workweek sitting at the bar bullshitting with the regulars between smoke breaks (every ten minutes and in front of the restaurant dressed in a chef's jacket no less), then my efforts are an exercise in futility. Now that summer is upon us and business is further in the toilet, I am starting to think that this operation is doomed from a foundational basis. I have been sticking it out because of the sweet schedule and the family time it gives me, but it might be smart to put all that behind me and be the first rat off the ship. Any thoughts?

sent from my mobile device

Pimp and Circumstance

Graduation Weekend here in Eugene is finally over. Saturday, Sunday, and Monday were each $20,000 days. I want to share some of my favorite quotes from the weekend:

"We are going to donkey punch the shit out of graduation weekend." (I just learned what a donkey punch means from our sweet young lady food runner)

"Did you get tickets for table C6, C3, A3, or A4? NO??? Shit!! The POS is down."

"Hey, the 40 top wants to do dinner now. Wow, it sounds kind of ridiculous when I say it out loud."

"Jesse, I have 28 tenderloins on the board all day."

"Can I get that creme brulee to go?"

"Sorry bud. I know its after five, but the last 20 top for lunch is just now ordering." 20 minutes later: "I really need that table so can you fly the 20 top?"

"The dish machine is down."

At 2:15 pm: "The 5 o'clock private party in the South Tower dining room just changed to 3 o'clock. They are on their way now."

My personal favorite: "The board is clear. We did it."

We are blessed to have such a great culinary team in the kitchen. They performed miracles. I have never been as proud of this team as I am right now. They certainly did donkey punch graduation weekend.

It's gonna be hot in here to-morrow

Lights, Camera, Food Network

The Food Network finished two days of shooting this morning. They filmed us for a new reality show to be aired at some point. I will email everyone privately and share the air-date. I have zero desire to be on TV, but I would like to get paid like I was on TV. Anyway it was very strange and interesting at the same time. We were told that 2-3 people were coming but 6 people showed up with more film gear then I have ever seen( see picture). We could have no radio because they did not have the rights to the music. We had to turn off fans, lights, ovens, and reach-ins. They need about ten different electrical outlets for all their shit. They enjoyed sticking cameras under peoples arms to watch us cut things. I apparently they wanted to get a shot of the vacuum sealer in action and one of my co-workers had to seal something over again so they could get a shot.

When the guys were loading their car they had to walk through the kitchen. The kept walking down the line with stuff and I was thinking how dumb they were. Then suddenly the leader asked if it was cool if they brought their equipment down the line. I of course said yes. I was surprised by their knowledge of how a kitchen works. They all said "coming down" or "behind you" when they were carrying loads down to their car. I was impressed. Although they do work for the food network.

I will keep everyone posted on air date and time. My plan for wearing Kitchen Convoluted" gear never materialized.

Pastry is my new nemesis

I have been at my new place for since March and the excitement is wearing off. I now think about who is working with me and how I will counter their laziness. I loathe Tuesday more then any other day. My least favorite Pastry girl bakes the bread and our normal dishwasher is off so nothing is where it should be and the Tuesday dishwasher only takes out her trash. I dont mind taking the trash out but I can think of 25 other things I should be doing, plus I cant just take mine out I take everyones out. We also get produce late on Tuesday which can really fuck me as well as our Silvert order. Guess who puts that away? More so because it will be put away right and not just thrown in the walk-in. What really bothers me is the Pastry Department.

I just call them all "Pastry" at this point. First off they all need four towels sometimes five. This blows my mind. I actually had someone take a picture of the pastry station covered in towels. I will get the picture and post it. I find having to many rags to be like having to many lighters. When I have one lighter I am very protective of it and never let it leave my sights, when I have more then one I don't care because I have another. Well then I have no lighters. Pastry will leave rags everywhere, but my station. In the office, bathroom, dining room, you name it. But the worst part is they fucking steal rags from fellow employees. You can have the four or five you need but don't take my god damn towel.

They also fuck by turning off timers and not saying anything. Apparently the last Head Chef threw a sheet tray of burnt food across the kitchen. I know now why. Telling someone their timer went off is the least you should do. Go the extra step and open the door and check to see if something needs to come out. I don't know a lot about flour and baking soda but I know when something is close to being ruined in the oven. I take cookies and shit out of the oven all the time, not because I am super kitchen worker because I care. I also hope that Pastry will get the idea at some point. Last Saturday they were all in such a hurry to leave(by 12:30) that they left Creme brulee in the oven. Don't worry we got it out and it was fine. The joke of the day was " Is that your creme brulee in the oven?" They are also extremely good at talking over the buzzer for their own food. Just imagine hearing the buzzer and instead of scurring to turn it off you start talking louder. I constantly turnoff the timer and remind them that they have sweets in the oven. PASTRY you timer went off. The funny thing is that think it is a cute nickname.

Their laziness amazes me daily. We get a lot of food from local farmers which we use for dinner and higher end catering jobs. Strawberries are used by Pastry almost all year long and we are using them this month for dinner service. Good old Pastry will grab the strawberries closest to the door of the walk-in every time. They damn well know that production stuff gets the standard Driscolls strawberries. Now I put all dinner items on the top shelf about 6'4" off the ground. They need a step stool to get them and they would 86 something before getting a step stool. When fruit does come in with produce the only put away their food and leave the rest for us to put away. And by put away I mean take the entire flat of mixed berries and place it in the most convientant place for them and most inconveinant place for the rest of us. In less then a minute I can take them out and stack them neatly on a sheet tray. Why do they eve bother putting them in the walk-in?

Normally the waitstaff is my arch enemy, selling shit that is not even on the menu, ordering the wrong item, modifying specials. But my waitstaff is top-notch. Now my enemy is located in the kitchen with me everyday. I am on to them now, although they do not know it. I read their prep list every night and see what they will be doing the next day. Why cant they look at their prep list and say, well its 5am and at 8am the one line guy will be here and since I need to make three items that require the stove maybe I should do them first before he gets here. I assure you that NEVER fucking happens.

When I described the TV show Lost as a island which moves and leapfrogs through time. The Head Pastry Chef asked if it was a true story. That my friends it what I have dealing with. Her favorite color is Shiny (Chocolate glaze).

are you hiring?

Unemployed charcutist looking for full time work......its been 1 week since I lost my job, and it kind rules. I do miss some of them, and really miss the work, but not working is working for me. MY family and I are leaving for little rock on Friday morning....it crazy to think that i will be leaving the bountiful pacific northwest for the humid muggy dirty south. oh well change is good they say. the growing season there is unreal...and being 5-10 years behind where I am now, I like my chances.....We are heading to no cal first and I am real stoked to hit the fatted calf....it has been on my list for some time. I also know the sommelier at the french laundry, and he said he would show me around, wish I could afford to eat there. He suggested bouchon, which is about 1/5 the cost. then to Tahoe, tahoe city to be exact, reno, denver,Wichita Oklahoma city then little rock.. any culinary attractions ya all know on the way.....and Mikey, man, keep the names a comin....you could be a professional restaurant namer.. look out little rock, here come the Browns

we're so f**king tough

so, sitting here with large and multiple burns on my right wrist (after an excruciating shower), i started thinking about all the times i've hurt myself at work.  now, i say hurt cause we eff ourselves up all the time, little cuts and burns and bruises here and there, but there's been a few times i've gotten myself pretty good.

i have cut the tip of my left thumb off twice, and gone 95% of the way through my right thumb.  my left thumb seems to get in my way when i'm knifing.  i never went to culinary school and i was initally trained by knuckleheads so i never learned to keep my fingers out of the way when i'm chopping.  and i've been doing it my way for too long to fix it now (rachel ray cuts onions exactly like i do).  anyway.  the first time i did it i had just gotten my first knife kit (yeah, i bought the whole kit...i was young!) and like two days later i'm chopping some bacon and fuckin wayno insano distracts me and boom.  there was a pile of bacon bits with a part of a thumb in it.  my knives were so new and sharp that it (heavy 9in chef) just went right thru and felt more like an electric shock than a cut.  went to the er (ps drove myself, one handed, in my stick shift mustang) and they spent two hours just cauterizing it so it would stop bleeding.  the next time i did it it was my offset serrated and i just had another cook wrap it with gauze and i gloved up and kept working...it was friday night.  he was being a wuss about it too, and my old servers recall a hilarious scene where j-bones was completely grossed out by all my blood and i was laughing and yelling "come on you pussy!  just wrap that fucker up!  we got tickets!"  my right thumb was a slicer incident...it was an old busted ass slicer and unless you held the tomatoes with your hand the blade would just smoosh them and i did a big ol slice of tomato and almost all the way thru  the tip of my right thumb.  it was barely still attached, kind of flopping around, and i managed to get it kinda back straight and i put a band-aid on, wrapped it with tape, gloved up and kept working.  my right thumb has a scar but my left thumb is all misshapen at the end and the nail thick on one side now.

the worst burn i've ever had was on my foot of all places.  double stack convection ovens.  hotel pan with corned beef in oven bags.  i had to temp one of the briskets so i poked a hole in one of the bags and the juices ran out into the pan.  the other bag was all puffy and as i was pulling the pan out of the lower oven the bag caught on the rack and tipped the pan and sent a pint of lightning hot corned beef juice right into my fucking shoe.  couldn't get my shoe and sock off quick enough.  the burns i have tonight took an hour or so to really blister up but that night right as i pulled my sock off i just sat and watched this fucker blister.  took about twenty seconds.  it looked like a jellybean on top of a golf ball, right on the top of my foot.  i juiced it so i could put my shoe back on and close the kitchen, and later that night i juiced it again and wrapped it with gauze.  then i went to the warped tour the next day.

so basically cooks are fucking hardcore.  we deal with stuff that would send most people home, if not to the hospital, on an everyday basis.  if my wife came in to work with burns on her arms like i got right now all her coworkers would go "oh my god!  what happened to your arm?  are you ok?" but i bet nobody i work with will even notice.  we're too badass.

chefs, i bet each and every one of you has a story like that...let's hear em!

Cattail Creek Lamb Loin

Young turnips and leeks, yukon potatoes, morels, and a creamy garlic jus (lamb demi, creme fraiche, roasted garlic puree, sherry vinegar). sexy.