Restaurant: The Movie

  A little exercise to boost morale: imagine your restaurant scores a movie deal, a heavy-hitting screenwriter and goes on the silver screen.  Who's going to play you?  My last restaurant would have put a whole new spin on Veal Oscar.  First choice is obvious, but we all know how Hollywood and budgets work.  Some names have been changed or omitted alltogether to protect the incompetent.

                          Tattoo Tony: Kevin Smith
                                    Valet:  Jason Mewes
                     Pasta Dropper :  Elijah Wood (Seth Rogan, Rory Cochran)
                                       Me:  Jason Lee
Passive-Aggresive Dyke GM:  Eddie Murphy (* Kevin Spacey, Edward Norton, Jr., William H. Macy)
                                  Owner:  Shaquille O'Neal
                 Bipolar Bartender:  Steve Buscemi
           Gay Waiter/Host(ess):  David Hyde Pierce
                            Guadalupe:  Angeline Jolie (Rosie Perez)
                                    Pony:  Robert DeNiro (Herve Villachez)
                                      Rita:  Penlope Cruz (Salma Hayek)
                                       Bill:  Jared Leto 
                           Oscar/Luis:  Georgo Lopez
                                  Donna:  Cameron Diaz (Phillip Seymour Hoffman)
                                 Taylors: Vince Vaughan, Will Ferrel
                         Mr. Battaglia:  Abe Vigoda
                      Brian Growney:  Michael Richards
                         Takeout Taxi:  John C. Reilly


(* the budget and actor availability really is a factor here, but I don't need to tell you that we're talking about a fucking Academy Award for this role.)